I am struggling.
I have been struggling with anxiety over the state of the world and how it will affect my life beyond what I can see. It only gets worse when I try to imagine what life will be like in 5-10 years. I have never been much of a goal-setter because more often than not I let myself down and I do not want to disappoint myself and those around me. However, it is nearly impossible to not imagine what my future might look like but, in the state the world is in today I do not know how much more it will change in the next few years. When I have anxious feelings about my future and the future of the world, I try to remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
As most people close to me know, I am generally a pretty anxious person. I get nervous about the smallest things sometimes. For example, I find the simple drive to the grocery store stressful. Ever since my (what I believe to be) traumatic first driving test, I have hated driving. Like most people I don’t like public speaking or even speaking to group larger than 4 people. Along with so many other things, simple acts like these causes me stress nearly every day. I generally don’t share about this because it is very much a “first world problem.” Being anxious over driving is not that important compared to mothers having anxiety over feeding their children that day. I often struggle with justifying my feelings and emotions and constantly hear that they don’t matter to anyone but me. Now, along with everything else going on around me, I am anxious about raising money for my world race. I know that if God wants me here, he will open doors but, I also know that I need to do my part. But, how do I know I am doing enough, working hard enough, talking to those I need to talk to? These thoughts are constantly swarming in my mind.
I like to believe I’m good at listening to what God is telling me but, when I am thinking about everything God can sometimes get lost in the shuffle. Recently, I have been listening to the audiobook Women at Risk by Tom and Joann Doyle. This book tells stories of women who live a Christian life in secret in various middle eastern countries where being a Christian is worse than death. Hearing these amazing stories and how much demonic oppression these women live with every day is inspiring. I can only imagine what living a life in secret must be like. Sharing their faith with their family and being physically assaulted because of it or being forced into marriages full of abuse only to show their children the love of Jesus. These stories are very different from my own and is changing how I view my relationship with Christ. I have struggled in the past with God about the state of the world and all that goes on within it. It breaks my heart every day at how people treat each other and all I think of now are these strong women and the countless whose stories will never be heard.
All that so say, I am still struggling but, I know it will get better so long as I focus on listening to God and where he leads me. I am looking at life as a small part of my journey to Christ. Being as faithful as I can and working on being bold and courageous. I have a tattoo on my left wrist that is the reference of my favorite bible verse, Philippians 4:13, “you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.” It has been my very favorite verse since I was very young, and it has always brought me comfort. It tells me that I do not have to be the strongest or most courageous, all I have to do is rely on God for my strength and I can accomplish all he has planned for me.
