Worth Remembering

     Like I said in my last blog, Ukraine was a very challenging month. I was struggling to deal with some feelings and emotions that I hadn’t thought would be as big of an issue. I already wrote about how homesick I had become. I knew I was going to struggle with that but, I had not prepared myself for how it would truly feel. Every time my family or friends from back home would send me pictures or videos I would be so happy to see them and yet I was filled with sorrow that I wasn’t with them. Especially since the holidays were approaching at the time and so many of my family’s birthdays were also coming up I felt like I was missing so much. I struggled to cope with this homesickness and it finally came to a tipping point when I was trying to call home for my nephew’s birthday party and my mom’s phone died after 5 minutes. I was so sad that I was missing his birthday party. It was the first one I had missed his whole life. I was devastated and the tears began to fall almost immediately. 

     But, that is not what this blog is about. I was struggling with something else. I will set the scene for you. I am bringing you back to month 1 on the race. I was in Romania and so many of my squad mates were getting COVID and I was quarantined in a room without any windows with 1 other person. Most days we were cooking most meals for our sick teammates and I was really starting to deal with burnout. There was a night when one of the rooms of sick people wanted to encourage everyone and were sending out messages of encouragement to everyone in our group chat…well at least almost everyone. I was forgotten. Most people got multiple messages encouraging them and they even sent out messages to our leadership back in the US. In that moment when I was cooking dinner for my sick teammates and everyone was being lifted up in encouragement I could not have felt more discouraged. I felt completely forgotten and that if I disappeared no one would notice. 

     It was one of the lowest moments of my life. When I came on the world race I thought I would be surrounded by a community that would change my life and yet I was in a moment when I felt completely abandoned by the community around me. I knew in the logical part of my brain that I was not intentionally left out but, it still hurt that no one seemed to notice that I was forgotten. And no one knew for a long time. I hadn’t told anyone how much I was struggling with this and how it affected my views of my squad. This one tiny over site simply reaffirmed a thought I had been having for a long time, that I simply not worth remembering. 

     I am a classic middle child. While my parents never truly forgot me (it helped that I am their only daughter) I always struggled with that idea. I look back on my life and how many people in my life forgot about me when I wasn’t relevant to them anymore. I have a history in my life when I leave a place, the people I met there will not want to keep in contact with me. At one point I had a childhood friend I had known nearly my whole life simply drop out of my life and they act like I no longer exist. I have been through that time and time again of people simply dropping out of my life without another word and acting as if we never knew each other. Everywhere I go now I am so scared that they will forget about me the second I leave their sight. I have had this thought in my mind for a very long time and as my life goes on it has only gotten worse. 

     Don’t get me wrong, I have developed the sweetest friendships with a lot of my squad mates over the last 5ish months but, that thought in my mind is always there, that they won’t remember me when we go home. I was struggling through all of that in Ukraine. It felt like I was collapsing under the weight of it. I finally talked to my team about what I was struggling with. They had no idea that I was struggling with things from all the way back in Romania. They knew I did not enjoy my month 1 but they had no idea how deep it ran. They prayed over me and comforted me. 

     My month in Ukraine was beautifully broken. I was struggling with a lot emotionally and I am not the biggest fan of sharing my innermost feelings. I don’t like being that vulnerable in front of people. It doesn’t really matter who they are. It is just the feeling of being that raw to that many people is hard and not pretty. It can be ugly and exposing that part of my soul is extremely difficult and does not come naturally. Now don’t get me wrong, I love talking about feelings and I have a lot of them. I am a huge feeler and I have known that I am a feeler for a long time so it is no surprise that I like talking about my my fun happy surface level feelings.And, I love hearing how others are feeling. I love comforting others through things they are going through but, when I expose my deep feelings that are not light and fluffy. I am worried that I am burdening others with them. Especially, since these feelings and thoughts may affect how some of my squad mates might view their first month. 

     My biggest fear of sharing about my experience in Romania was that I would ruin the memories of that month for others. If you ask some of my squad mates they had a great time. They had opportunities to get to know so many people, have fun together, and really bond through this hard time. But, some of us had a very different experience. I felt isolated, alone, and forgotten about. I never want to change how others see their time in Romania and that is why I didn’t say anything. At first, I was just trying to push it out of my mind and forget about it but, I noticed it would continue to cloud how I was interacting with my team and some of my squad mates. 

     I do believe that the Lord will redeem this experience at some point. I also think that the Lord is using this as an opportunity to teach me about the importance of sharing about my experiences that might not be good. I know I will continue to grow in this area and it won’t be pretty but, the Lord doesn’t ask for only the pretty stuff, he wants all of it! He is reminding me that I am worth remembering. Luke 12:6-7 says, “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” I was reading through Luke and these verses have just stuck with me and it is what lead me to share about this experience with everyone. The Lord sees me, knows me, and never forgets about me.